A Decent Proposal

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/02/22/9-public-proposals-gone-p_n_469167.html

I’m glad this wasn’t me.

Have you witnessed any change in yourself since the beginning of the project–what did you learn or discover?
The answer to this is not affected only by this project. It seems inevitable that the rest of my life coincidentally aligns with my art. Over the summer, I discovered a dating site that is dedicated to connecting sugar daddies with sugar babies. There is an entire world of married men living double lives, who are willing to pay women to be their mistresses, and are willing to pay for the connection service. They have no trouble listing their marital status, their income, and their monthly sugar baby budget. My brother and his wife separated, and are going though divorce. My cousin and her husband separated, and are going through divorce. My grandfather died, leaving behind the love of his life, his wife of 65 years. Two of my friends from college got married. One of my friends from college bought a house with her boyfriend. All of these things gave me reason to pause and were perhaps part of the motivation and driving force of the project.

I was looking for answers to many questions, but what it boils down to, is that I wanted to figure out what most people expect from marriage, what I expect from a marriage, and if I want one. Marriage isn’t a gold medal, a mere milestone in life, an answer to a question, or a resolution to loneliness. It is something that a lot of people do because it is expected of them, and they have not been presented with a socially acceptable alternative. It is a contract. And one that doesn’t seem to work for most people. I do have a much clearer sense of what I want out of life and my relationships. I still want many of the things on the list “WHAT I WANT (in a partner, lover…)” as qualities in someone I want to share my life with. What I want is as simple as that–someone to share my life with, someone to enjoy life with. A partnership.

Another important aspect of A Decent Proposal was exploring the ways that relationships are affected by media, and technology. Between online dating services, and social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter, and reality television, recording, reporting, and reviewing our personal lives have become a part of leisure. We are allowed to be famous in these locations. Our lives have become a form of entertainment, and our relationships simply an extension of the venue, with consequences so subtle, they are able to build over time, apparently without any notice. Although I am able to keep in touch with friends in other cities and countries, I spend more time in front of a machine, than I do with actual people in my life.

As far as relationships involving transactions, I went about it in an obvious way, in an attempt to open dialog about things we don’t realize we pay for. If I can be expected to pay $39.99 a month to have access to all the single men in New York City, paying $20 for a proposal seems like it’s not that far off in reality. I wish that I had not been able to pay anyone to propose to me. That shows me that things (in our country at least) have gone so far away from the sacredness that marriage and family are supposed to be. It’s quite disappointing actually.

“Do you have any real prospects?” and “Did anyone sweep you off your feet?”
All of the men who proposed to me, or sent me a proposal idea seem like quality men, with a lot of heart. Their ideas were creative, fun, and would make many women quite happy. I am looking for a spark so bright, that it seems too good to be true, but is in fact real and reciprocated. Unfortunately, I did not feel that with any of the proposers. I did however, make some new friends, and lasting connections with people all over the country. I found many people and artists who are attempting to answer the same questions I am. I found people who truly understood all the levels of complexity in the project, which, lets face it, is what most people really want anyway–to be understood. And through a direct connection with the project, though it wasn’t a proposer, I did get swept off my feet by a very special man.

Just wow.

So, my deadline has come and gone, and I must move A Decent Proposal into Phase 2.

Some would say that 11 proposals is not very many, considering the thousands of people who have viewed my blog, and thus considered participating. About one out of every 658 views produced a proposal. Well, that doesn’t include the proposals solicited in person. Hmmm. I was told there would be no math. Anyway, I was thinking about the lucky number 11, and it seems to me that actually, this is a huge number of proposals, given that most people only get, or should get, or want to get, one in a lifetime. What a lucky girl I am.

In phase 2, my goals are to do some serious assessment. I need to find a way to present all the proposal/ideas I received. Then as promised, I need to choose the best one somehow. I need to collect more interviews from proposers, and supporters. I need to find a way to present all that I have learned along the way in this process. These are tall orders, wish me luck! I’ll keep you posted….

Hi Joanna,

Having read your site and all about your project, I had some ideas.  First, background for your enjoyment.

Last year, I had a girlfriend, and after the relationship was well underway, I started working where she worked (a science museum and curriculum development institution).  We became co-workers.  Every year there is a big holiday party with a talent show for all the 150 or so employees.  My idea was to propose to her in a skit – a secret which many of the other staff would be in on.  I hadn’t gotten as far as writing the script for it, but I had some ideas that there would be a song with a chorus that a huge section of the crowd would join in on.  Then the girlfriend would be coaxed onto the stage, and I would sing one of the verses, something to the effect of -

“There’s something deep inside,
something I want to ask,
but a part of me is too shy,
might not be up to the task.”

(Sounds like a Broadway musical, eh?)

Then I’d “need a little help from my friends,” and folks in the crowd would sing out in unison the last line of the song, “Will you marry him?”

This was my big idea, until I realized that she does not like being in the spotlight (as I do).  Surprises are ok, as long as they are safe.  I loved my idea, but this was probably not the right person to try that on.  Would have been a train wreck.  And the relationship subsequently unraveled due to other factors.

It’s interesting that I’ve schemed up quite a few proposal ideas and wedding ideas.  And now along comes… you, who obviously like the spotlight, and would be a glad recipient of some elaborate and incredible marriage proposal.

Now, here’s the thing:  I’ve come up with a proposal for you, but IF I TELL YOU WHAT IT IS NOW, it’s GOING TO SPOIL THE SURPRISE!   Where’s the fun in that?  So I’ve given you some indication of my creativity and potential.

And I’ll hint now at what my proposal to you would look like.

It would involve some travel.  By many modes (not all mechanized).  This would give us some idea of whether there was a fit between us.

It would involve exercise and time in nature.

It would involve some simple ritual of progression into a new chapter of life.

There would come a moment of truth.  It might be both exciting and deeply touching.

There would be a feeling of being far away from all that’s familiar, and extremely close to home, at the same time.  A paradox.

That’s all I can tell you.  If you want to know more, you’ll have to experience it firsthand.

–

Ok, so you want to know more about me?

I am a 33-year-old physicist, musician, poet, activist, and teacher/presenter.  Or you could call me a baker, writer, hiker, meditator, and yogi.  Or you could call me a fierce peaceful warrior – one who stands up like a willow in a storm, bending but not breaking, while the rigid oak is toppled by the wind.  I’ve worked quite a bit on emotional “stuff”, so that I have clear and healthy boundaries and a clear sense of integrity, authenticity, and affection.  And I know that no one is ever “done” with that inner work.  I am smart enough to know how little I know about much of anything.  And I’m humble about it, too.

What I’m looking for is a partner who will challenge me intellectually, physically (in exercise), spiritually, culinarily, and with humor – to be the best man I can be.  And who is grateful for my challenging her in the same way.  One who is willing to work on her “stuff” and grow as I work on mine – and even work on common “stuff” together.

Here’s to laughing out loud at 3am … about stuff no one understands but the two of us.

Aaron.

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Dear Aaron,

Wow, thank you for such a thoughtful email! Sorry for taking so long to get back to you, I was away enjoying Thanksgiving in New York.

First, I think it’s great you are in Berkeley–the bay area is my home away from home, no joke. I am constantly homesick for it.

Second, I do appreciate the intense surprise proposal idea. I don’t mind being in the spotlight, but I’m actually kind of shy at first and don’t love crowds of people. Crowds of friends yes, crowds of strangers, no. I know it sounds backwards probably, given the nature of my project, but its true, and I actually have to get myself really worked up when I go out looking for proposals. I also really appreciated reading about your story with your ex girlfriend. Sorry though, that it didn’t work out!

So, your proposal idea, is wonderful actually. Besides the surprise, and all of the other kinds of details, I like the way you think about it. Sort of like all of the elements in an abstract way, without pinning it down to details. But how will I ever know what it will really be like? Can you give me any hints? Well, either way, this is a really solid idea, and I would love to pay you for it. But how can I get you the $20, so you can be a proper contender in A Decent Proposal? Mailing Address? Paypal? Ebay? What works for you?

Thanks again for the lovely proposal idea!
Joanna

Wow, this is seriously cool. I’m really amazed that I’m not the only person out there “taking things into my own hands” so to speak, in a search for love, romance, companionship, commitment and affection. It seems of note, that the more “connected” we are by new technology, the more urgently we look for real connection in new ways. I’m not insinuating desperation necessarily, but if I were, it would only be because I can relate.

My questions for Evan:

• I wonder how well it works?
• How many boyfriends have you been connected with, because of the app?
• How is it advertised?
• How do you find applicants?
• Are you making one for the iPhone????
• What is the most important factor, of all that you ask about, in your final “hiring” decision?
• Are you in love?
• Are you happy?

Checkout The Boyfriend App on BadEvan.com:

http://badevan.com/boyfriend-app/

Joanna,

I saw your proposal and could not find your height information.
You were asking for someone that is at least as tall as you.
I am a romantic man that has not found the right women that
is suitable for me. Perhaps after you find what you are looking
for, that is if I have not chosen me, maybe you might want to
help others find their love ones too in someway that has not
been done before.

There is a lack of love in the world and we as lovers of peace
and light have to at times travel the globe in search for truth
and true meaning.

Thank you,

Brandon
www.goldentara.com

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Dear Brandon,

Thank you for your interest in A Decent Proposal! I am about 5′9″.

Perhaps you are correct about my matchmaking skills. I have not tried to set anyone up in a while. But, you know everyone has something that they naturally do. Many of my friends will swear that they just encourage men to come out of the closet. Others are convinced that every man they date gets married right after they break up. My special talent seems to be finding men girlfriends. Almost without fail, every man I’ve dated in the last three years goes on to a serious relationship within 30 days of ending things with me. I have no scientific data per se, but I have been thinking of ways I can more formally use this skill…

Anyway, if you would like to submit a proposal to propose, I would love to see/hear/read it!

Joanna

A lovely storyline in The Perry Bible Fellowship, created by Nicholas Gurewitch. See his website here:

http://pbfcomics.com/?cid=PBF210-Wishing_Well.gif

Thank you Basem, for sharing this with me. What I wonder is, how he feels since he got the girl, but not the cash?!?!

Dear Michael,

I’ll start by answering your basic questions. I am 32 years old, my birthday is October 21 (in case you are astrologically inclined…). I am an artist, a graduate student, and a professor. Some of my tattoos have special meaning and some of them, not so much. Either way, they are all a part of my personal history.

The boundaries between the artistic project and my life are fuzzy to say the least. This is definitely an art project, but it is about and inspired by my life, my experiences, and my search for a belief system. I am not out to lead anyone on, and I would not want to hurt anyone’s feelings in this process. So, although, in an initial proposal, it might seem like it was for the sake of the project, any following relationship I feel would be genuine. But I am also not interested in marrying someone for the sake of art, or the sake of the project. If I don’t feel truly connected with someone, then that is just one of the side effects so to speak. That said, I do really want to meet someone that I have something in common with, who I could share my life with. I love meeting new people, and though I am interested in the act of PROPOSING for the sake of proposal, the relationship that could ensue, would only be genuine. I know it can be confusing. But I look at it in a similar way to going to the movies for example. When I go to the movies, I actually feel something, even though, intellectually, I know what I am watching is not real. So, in a way, I have paid for that feeling, as I have paid to see the movie. So, in this project, I am paying to temporarily feel the feelings (or a fraction of) the feelings that go along with a dramatic, romantic moment like a marriage proposal. Now. If one of the men who I pay to propose to me sparks a connection and further interest, then that would be really amazing as well.

I hope this makes sense, even if it is strange. My question back to you, is, do you think this can be BOTH a sincere part of my life, and a really clever project?

My question about prostitution is very open. I’m just trying to figure out what people think about it in general. One of the themes in my project is the way relationships–romantic and otherwise–can be like transactions. What do you think about it? You said “I would also NEVER take you up on your money offer.” Tell me more about that. As well as why you pay for the first date–you were brought up that way, but why were you told it was an important, or right thing to do? Do you believe that there are rules about financial responsibilities within relationships? What are they? Do you think they work for you?

I don’t ask about books and music, not because I’m not interested in the types of books and music you are into, but because I want to explore the specific connection between movies and tv and our personal relationships. It makes me really happy to assume that you do in fact read books.

I am curious about your interest in the project, given that you are in a relationship now. You are definitely participating in the project, but not in the same way, as if you would really submit a proposal to propose to me. But, does your significant other know about the project? What does she/he think about it?

Thanks again for your interest!

Joanna